Phil's Dap: Timing is Everything

Welcome to the L For L Blog! I'm Brian, the founder of Language For Listening. Our focus is on enhancing connections between adults with moderate to profound intellectual and developmental disabilities (I/DDs) and their support providers.

In my professional journey, I've noticed a range of relationships in this field—some successful, others challenging. Unfortunately, those who excel often find it hard to share their strategies with colleagues. The vocabulary for describing success in this area lacks consistency, and there's limited training on the essential soft skills for bridging the gap between adults with I/DDs and their support providers.

Language For Listening originates from my experience building and leading art programs for this community, emphasizing the identification and articulation of experiences of value.

In this post I’m going to share a noteworthy moment that, although outside of an art program, highlighted someone's remarkable ability to be present and understand the moment with what I consider to be noteworthy expertise. This is a story about Phil, a dap and impeccable timing.

Before diving into the story, let's delve a bit more into who Phil is and a short bit about what a dap is. 

Phil is a person with a great sense of humor, warmth, and a highly sociable nature. Regardless of his mood—whether he's feeling positive, negative, or anything in between—Phil always makes sure to express what's on his mind to those around him. 

However, one of the challenges Phil faces relates to his communication abilities. While not entirely non-verbal, Phil’s speech typically comprises only a few syllables. Understanding him requires a level of familiarity; once you know him well, you can decipher his favorite topics of conversation and gain a clearer understanding of what he is saying. 

Typically, when Phil starts a conversation with someone new, both he and the person he's talking to often glance at his direct support provider to seek confirmation or clarification about what is being said. 

As might be expected, when Phil is upset, it becomes harder for him to express himself, leading to frustration and worsening communication. However, when he's happy and focused, Phil excels by showing an impressive ability to anticipate and respond well to different situations.

Here is a very quick primer on daps and what they may look like.

First and foremost, there is no one way to dap.

Daps usually happen when greeting someone, or saying farewell. A bit of a hug can even make an appearance.

They can range from simple with little flair to...

...extremely complex and unique to only two people (practice makes perfect).

Personally, I recommend simple and classic.

Just make sure everyone is on the same page. Otherwise, things can get ugly!!

If you want to get deeper into daps, here is an article and here is another one.

Now that we covered a little bit about Phil and daps... 

Phil and I were talking in the large communal room at his day program during lunch. I was sitting in a chair and he was standing while facing me. It became clear Phil wasn't thrilled with my meal choice and the fact that it too closely resembled my lunches from the last couple of days. Phil is nothing if not observant.

Suddenly, someone knocked over a cup of juice, prompting laughter from the group and some light ribbing about that person’s predisposition for spills. 

Phil, jumping at the chance to ride a good group chuckle, threw his arms up in an exaggerated impersonation of the renowned spiller, garnering even more laughs.

Feeling good with his ability to keep the laughs going, Phil let out a smooth, satisfied “aaaaah.” At the same time he twisted his upper body to his right, then slowly uncoiled, coming back to face me while piloting his right hand from shoulder height back down towards me. I was shocked to look over and find my own right hand rising to meet his with a perfect clapping sound and a tight clasp.

It was as simple and natural as a moment can be, but I was struck by how well Phil orchestrated it and seamlessly amplified it with humor and connection. It showcased his ability to recognize, appreciate, and initiate moments with others. It also highlighted that, when given the chance to communicate non-verbally, Phil excels.

Over the next few weeks, we made sure to find ways for Phil to assist with daily office tasks, delivering necessary items to specific people at the end of the day. This multiplied the opportunities for Phil to improvise small interactions with clear objectives. Soon, each person in this chain of tasks collaborated with Phil on a dap of their own and for those that otherwise did not spend time with Phil, it allowed them to see Phil at his most articulate and collaborative.

Sometimes there were words, sometimes not, but that didn’t really matter.